4/20/2020 Week 1 Write Up's
Hawaii Captain Nemo?s
Jules Verne and his Nautilus are ready to sail the high seas after a strong draft, which included the first overall pick in Pedro Martinez. Following Pedro, Nemo went heavy hitting in the form of stud outfielder Bryce Harper, resident funny-guy Joey Votto, and the gabagool loving Mike Napoli. Richard Hidalgo and Charlie Blackmon round out a strong outfield, while Nemo has Twenty Thousand Leagues of speed off the bench in AJ Pollock and Dustin Pedoria. Kevin Brown and Dan Haren round out a strong rotation, while Tyler Clippared and Ferando Rodney anchor the bullpen. Nemo?s crew take on the alliterative Seattle Scooters to open the season.
Mexico Los Gringos
Ah yes, another league, another controversy laden squad assembled by a manager whose internet is dependent on his microwave usage. The Gringos made an early deal to acquire Slammin? Sammy Sosa, a man best known to everyone else as the dude who bleached his skin and now looks like a beige lesbian. Los Gringos look strong at the dish, with Justin Morneau, fat Albert Pujols, Jeff Kent, JD Martinez, and the aforementioned Sosa resembling a modern day murders row. Perhaps most shocking development here is the additions of Ryan Braun and Mystic Mike Piazza, two players known to be in the crosshairs of Los Gringos manager. This could be a locker room situation to watch as the season progresses, as I doubt these personalities can coexist.
The rotation is anchored by Jake the snake Arrieta, a rejuvenated rocket Roger Clemens, and for diversities sake the kamikaze Yu Darvish. Los Gringos also feature a strong bullpen with domestic abuser Aroldis Chapman and heart diseased Kenley Jansen. Los Gringos will hop over to the big island as they open the season against the Honolulu Blue Wahoos.
Seattle Scooters
Seattle, the Emerald City and coffee capital of the world are brewing up a fresh pot of success as the Scooters drafted a squad with possibly the leagues strongest infield. The infield features Coorsified Todd Helton, pre-groin injury Nomar, a tweaked Mookie Betts (possibly playing 2nd base), and the vacuum Scott Rolen patrolling the hot corner. The Scooters boast the leagues best reunion story that no one really cares about as Ichiro returns to the city where he began his American career. Scooters rotation is led by slim fast era Johnny Cueto and In-N-Out burger freak Tim Lincecum. Rolaids Relief man Joe Nathan nails down a bullpen that also features big lefty Andrew Miller. The Scooters zoom on over for a confrontation with Nemo?s crew to begin the season.
Springfield Isotopes
Springfield?s only minor league squad has been bumped up to the big leagues. Flash Baylor, Fishbone Walker, Smash Diggins and Babe Ruth IV have been traded out for Chipper Jones, Mike Trout, the captain Derek Jeter, and last dance Lance Berkman. The Great Rivera anchors a bullpen that also includes the legendary Arthur Rhodes. Big unit Randy Johnson leads a rotation that includes a grounded Doc Halladay, MAGA loving Trevor Bauer, and pre breakdown Mark Prior. The big question mark here is how addict Josh Hamilton will fit in with an otherwise straight laced crew. Despite rumors of relocation the Isotopes have managed to avoid radioactive decay, and take on Chico?s Bail Bonds to open their campaign.
DC Defenders
DC, the chocolate city (kind of a racist nickname, no?), are aiming to smash there way to success as they have assembled some serious man meat. Mike Francesca has personally approved a lineup that now includes the Giambino, Larry Walker, steroid-creamed Garry Sheffield, Miguel Cabrera, a seriously underrated Javy Lopez, and judge, jury, and executioner Aaron Judge. A veteran to the format, the Defenders manager went away from starting pitching this go around and sinker-baller Kyle Hendricks fronts a rotation that includes remission Jon Lester, Jake Peavy, Ben three Sheets to the wind, & big game James Shields (who somehow has that nickname despite shitting himself in every big game he has ever pitched in). Chad Green, Zach Britton and Blake Parker will hold down the bullpen. DC?s ballots open as they take on the Buzzsaw Kershaw led Binghamton Bearcats to start the season.
Honolulu Blue Wahoos
Hawaii records more rainfall than any US State, so it would only make sense our league somehow has two teams from this saturated collection of Islands. If you?re playing the Wahoos, make sure you wear protection as they are led by full blown AIDS suffering Roberto Alomar. A pair of Adrian?s (Gonzalez and Beltre) round out a solid infield while speed demons Johnny Damon and Trea Turner patrol the outfield. John Varvatos loving dark knight Matt Harvey co-leads a star-studded rotation including Corey Kluber, Johan Santana, and Derek Lowe. Koji Uehara, Hong-Chih Kuo, Joakim Soria, and General Tso round out an orient laden bullpen. The Wahoos will renew a nonexistent rivalry as they battle Los Gringos out of the gate.
Chico?s Bail Bonds
Attempting to rebound from Walter Matthau?s booze infused leadership, Chico & co have bailed Carlos Beltran out of sign stealing jail and a career of unemployment. Edgar Martinez, Derrek Lee, Buster Brown Posey, and Edgardo Alfonzo led a team that also includes Matt Kemp and Chris Davis? never ending strikeouts. A firm rotation is anchored by Justin Verlander, Chris Sale, King Felix, Walker Beuhler, and a cum drenched Kate Upton. JJ Putz, Wade Davis and Edwin Diaz round out the bullpen. It?s unclear whether Diaz?s 94 rating represents his real value or the number of games he blew for the Mets last year. Beltran and co will break their trashcans out as they head to Springfield for game one.
New Mexico Cats
The Mark Buehrle-less New Mexico Cats have made up for his absence by seemingly drafting every available infielder. Third base is as stacked as J-Lo?s rear-end with A-Rod, Pablo Sandoval, Joey Bats, and DJ LeMahieu. Not to be outdone, first base is occupied by Jeff Bagwell, Jason Kendall, Mike Sweeney, and the excess needles of Rafael Palmeiro. Wouldn?t ya know Robbie Cano will hold down second base while domestic abuser Jose Reyes will start at shortstop. The Cats are running thin on pitching litter with Max Shcerzer leading a rotation that includes RA Dickless and an increasingly unstable Curt Schilling who has been reportedly handing out political pamphlets in the locker room. The New Mexico cats head to Highbury where they?ll battle some French sounding assholes.
Arsenal Le Cercle Rouge
Manager Arsene Wenger has been dispatched from the pitches of London to head a motley crew fronted by the pee drenched hands of Moises Alou. Carlos Delgado, Ellis Burks, Victor Martinez, and Jeffrey Hammonds led a power heavy lineup. Luis Gonzalez, who is rumored to be the apple of rival manager Joe Posillico?s eye, will have to find at home at Arsenal. Clean shaven Gerrit Cole leads a rotation that includes Cole Hamels and Aaron Nola. David Wright?s infused spine supports a running game which also includes Edgar Renteria and Jean Segura. Le Cercle Rouge will attempt to shoot down the New Mexico Cats out of the gate.
Binghamton Bearcats
The Ivy league of the SUNY Schools showcases a lineup that will no doubt reflect the peculiar diet habits of Nelson Cruz. Registered midget Jose Altuve (jersey on) leads power hitting Paul Goldschmidt, Christian Yelich, and hip hip Jorge Posada. Jacoby Ellsbury has seemingly taken some time off from his never-ending rehab to make an appearance in centerfield. Clayton Kershaw fronts a rotation that features the dual personalities of Zack Grienke, World Series MVP Stephen Strasburg, and the majestic beard of Dallas Keuchel. Josh Hader and Blake Treinen will close the door out of the bullpen. Diversity is the name of the game in the steal department, as Dee Gordon and Curtis Granderson will add speed off the bench. The Bearcasts will jump on the Northeast Regional Amtrak down to DC in the opening contest.
Virginia Spirit
Spirits are low in Virginia as rumors have circulated Manny Ramirez is yet to successfully field a fly ball in practice. A power heavy lineup includes Magglio Ordonez, Matt Holiday, Daniel Murphy, and the decaying knees of Joe Mauer. Hot dog supplies are reaching dangerously low levels as the insatiable appetite of Prince Fielder and David Ortiz are put to the test. Spirit?s rotation includes Jacob DeGrom, Zack Wheeler, Noah Syndergaard and presumably everyone else the New York Mets have trotted out there recently. Craig Kimbrel and wild Dellin Betances showcase a star-studded bullpen that also feature Billy Wagner and Jonathan Papelbon. Spirits are high as they take on the Winnipeg Wildcats, who still seem stuck in hockey season.
Winnipeg Wild Cats
After being ignominiously dismissed by the New York Islanders, the Winnipeg manager has found himself with loads of free time and no one to represent. Balco Barry Bonds leads a Wild Cats lineup that includes power hitting Ryan Howard, Giancarlo Stanton, Darin Erstad and the ghost of Ken Griffey. Blake Snell is out on an island leading a rotation which includes the reincarnated Jose Fernanadez and always steady hand of Armando Benitez and Carlos Marmol. The squad runs as fast as the managers clients, as Carl Crawford, Alfonso Soriano, and Jimmy Rollins will provide needed speed off the bench. The Winnipeg Wild Cats hope to prove believers right when they take on the Virginia Spirit to open proceedings. |
